My business has been soooo many different things, and for a long time I despised that!
I didn't feel grounded in what I was doing. A lot of ideas, planting seeds, and not watering them enough, had me constantly asking "is it time to move forward... like how I did with my first business".
It wasn't until I realized how much I was doing, on top of healing through the "work trauma" that I was overlooking as well. I was on a search for the root cause of why I felt the way I felt. Can't stand feeling confused; I just didn't understand then. Many times I couldn't even express how I felt. Not to anyone and not even to myself.
My healing journey was sparked by my first business, sparked by the dullness that quickly came from my very 1st corporate salary job as a graphic designer. When I left that job to be more flexible within my own business and freelancing talents; little did I know the way I was going about it was leading me straight to burnout.
My health issues came from a complicated form of burnout. There was many things I didn't get to unpack from that 1st salary job and my intimate relationships I was going through at that time, were harboring within me... keeping me stagnant. Besides needing therapy from things that happened, from lets say 21 & under... I'd say a lot of my health issues had to do with the "hustle culture" & self worth issues. Working in NYC, freelance designing, entrepreneurship, and in general trying to make a job see my worth had me tense all the time. It was the pressure that came with finding a job, and showcasing my skills. A lot of people I had interviews with, either saw me as too qualified or to wet behind the ears. The jobs that I did get, wound up always being toxic! It was like a manipulative partner... going on a few first dates, everything was fine, until you make it official and you find out he's absolutely crazy (a total different person). My work life also (actually) matched my love life, but thats another story!
Many of my toxic jobs consisted of:
Not honoring my skill set and downplaying my talents
Very clique/close group orientated work place, with "initiations" of what they called friendship
Managers passively flirting /asking to take out to lunch; then treating me with attitude & sometimes disrespect after I said no a few times
Indirectly & directly having sexual conversation and playing them off as jokes
Yelling and demeaning talk
Punishment; redirecting my job description to other duties that I didn't get hired for, especially in a way of a form of discipline
Deliberately not answering questions, then either saying otherwise as if the problem was never presented
Ghost scheduling; taking me off the schedule for no apparent reason
Setting up random meetings that turned into an interrogation, or excluding me from meetings
Realizing peoples' attitude changed toward me because I wasn't conversing with people while working. I wasnt "friendly" or "social enough"
Aggressive preconceived notions about my race, gender, where I lived
I may have forgotten a few, but its all good. We can get into theses things later down the line.
I felt attacked at many jobs and never really had anyone to talk to about it at work. The people I would talk to outside of work didn't get it. They never had an office (salary) job, or was from another generation, or just didn't know how to help.
"Well thats how it goes.." I'd heard many times.
Mind you, I'm very emotional being. I'm sensitive to energy, which is why I resonate with the term/label "empath". Other people's emotions stick to me like glue and I can internalize them if I'm not mindful, or protecting my own energy. At that time, I had a full blown storm harboring inside me, and I didnt know how to let it out.
Creativity was always my medicine, until I was too tired to create. I imploded!
The "bread crumbs" from the universe always made themselves apparent to me, and I always followed them! But sometimes the signs I followed led me to places that didnt feel good, and left me feeling more confused. Since as long as I can remember I was that little girl always seeing "weird" thing, or unexplainable things, thinking its was a sign!
I'm sure enough my burnout was a sign! When my body literally shutdown, and I couldn't get out of bed was definitely a sign! I remember that day had to drag myself out, and it took so much strength to just pour a cup of water. I found myself only getting up to pee that day; I sat and watched movies, crying at myself wonder wtf was going on with my life & why is this happening to me.
I felt like a failure. Nobody believed how I couldn't find a job. I was also exhausted from being rejected left and right which turned into a financial blow, with me having to come home to my parents house, which made me even more upset. It looked like I was irresponsible, when I was giving it my all to do what I thought was best for me, as well as the people I cared for.
SIDE BAR: I was a full-time therapist that didn't get paid also. I spent hours listening to my family & friends problems, giving our great advice that they didnt take also. I cant remember how many years I had this job. People wonder how they get drained but it can come from so much. This is why I love what I do now! I had to get the "smack down" from the universe, spirit, and all the above... to learn the best way to treat myself with love care & compassion! Don't forget compassion.
From all the things I didn't like, the things that worked at one point and I grew it, or I just put it back on the shelf to use another time... can now be shared with others.
Learning myself and learning how to connect with my soul, is what awakened my own spiritual path (that I'm still on of course), and helped grow my creativity in so many ways; affecting my business now.
I could say all of this happened for a reason, but what I really want to say is I'm glad that (whoever is reading this) you're here, as our journeys have connected too.
Entrepreneurship is a spiritual journey... and it gets down right confusing... So let’s explore together.
With love, Quoy
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